Most people feel excitement and anticipation when they think about their impending wedding. The times of arranged marriages are gone forever, people are departing from weddings out of convenience, or because a child will appear in a moment.
When browsing blogs, forums, or thematic groups of wedding planners, you can get the impression that nowadays it is great to love that is the main reason for the wedding of two people. It turns out, however, that these are appearances.
Relationship researcher Dr. Stephen J. Betchen, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania, puts it bluntly:
Nowadays, people get married often for even stranger reasons than they used to be. What are these reasons? A large part of them is related to the emotional immaturity of young people, manifested by entanglement in family ties or dependence on thinking and acting.
It is worth getting acquainted with the beliefs about marriage he researched and comparing them to his motivation in formalizing a relationship. Maybe it is not too late to verify your attitude towards the wedding?
Betchen lists six immature beliefs, describing them as the worst reasons for marriage.
1. Not to Upset, Anger Parents
Unfortunately, it happens that a wedding is the result of the inability to set limits to overzealous parents who have the feeling that, just like having their third birthday, they will also have a wedding, even if their adult offspring is not eager to do so.
People overly involved in family relationships usually have enormous difficulties with achieving autonomy and are able to make their choices dependent on the opinions of their parents for years (and sometimes even throughout their lives).
This happens when the upbringing took place in an atmosphere of overprotection and at the same time frequent criticism, excessively high expectations, and a lack of respect for the child’s separateness.
When one of the parents tended to inhibit the child’s independence, for example saying to him: “Leave it, I will rewrite your notebook because I write nicer” or “mother will choose the color of the new walls in your room because she has good taste”.
Such a child learns that his opinion and possibilities mean little, and therefore he avoids taking responsibility for himself in such a serious matter as getting married.
2. Because You Feel Bad Refusing
Sometimes it is difficult to oppose not only the parents but even the partner. Fear of being negative and of being attacked causes people to succumb even when deciding to marry. Lack of assertiveness is often associated with the misconception that there is no right to make someone feel bad, that refusing to do so is wrong on our part.
Such an attitude usually leads to dramatic consequences – for example an imminent divorce or falling into a deep depression. Clinicians even say that attempted suicide is usually caused by a wave of internal anger (at someone) that cannot resonate.
Few people, acting in this way, notice that by not wanting to upset their partner, they do him great harm – because they take away his freedom and the chance to meet someone who sincerely loves him.
3. Parents/Friends Like the Person
It is not uncommon that the decision to marry is a gift for loved ones and not an inner conviction of love. This is usually the case of people who make their well-being overly dependent on the approval of others.
Sometimes this need for acceptance is so strong that the person is able to adopt a lifestyle that is inconsistent with himself but in line with the expectations of the people around him. At the root of this behavior is a gigantic fear of rejection. Usually, it is manifested by people who suffered a loss in childhood, and although they are adults, the thought of disappointing someone paralyzes them.
4. Just Because the Person is Nice
Sometimes people assume that nothing better will happen to them in life and settle down in relationships where they lack satisfaction. Worse, sometimes they delude themselves that the wedding will change the average life into a family idyll. Does it make sense to live with someone who does not live up to our expectations?
Unfortunately, a large percentage of people fearing loneliness take the desperate step to accept what is. Regardless of how much harm it will do them and their partners in the long run (who will find out over time that they have been selected for the so-called “lack of lacquer” – unfortunately in male-female relationships it is always at some point, during a fight, a scuffle, frustration – it will come to light).
5. The ”Ticking Biological Clock”
This is extremely popular thinking among women over 35, who were focused solely on professional development until their 30s and now need to make up for the lost time. Often the pressure comes from friends, family, and even your own gynecologist.
As a result, women, while hastily looking for “genetic material”, lower their standards, do not give themselves time to reflect and think whether the system really suits them. Importantly, it is difficult for people with this conviction to complete the wedding. Why? Because men avoid women who are desperate and ready to reproduce, often feeling that it objectifies them to some extent.
6. For Financial Gains
Although we live in times of equality and in many environments, the division of roles into “head of the family who works” and “partner taking care of the house” has completely disappeared, some people firmly believe that a wedding is the best investment and the best financial resources. People who are afraid of responsibility, dependents, and have a demanding approach to others, often calculate their relationships and choose such partners to be able to live comfortably.
However, therapeutic practice shows that although initially, such a life is like winning a million in a lottery, with time it can turn into hell. Partners in a relationship based on one person financing the other often form violent relationships.
When the power in a relationship belongs solely to the person with money, it is almost certain that it will be abused, that the person who is in charge will claim more rights, which will severely frustrate the other.
Of course, the ideal solution would be to marry out of love or deep friendship. Relationships are formalized only because someone cannot cope with independent life, they usually end quickly. As the psychotherapist, Wojciech Eichelberger says: “Before you decide to be with someone – learn to be alone”.